If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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