he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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