I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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