Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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