your parents love me but you hate me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
