They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
