..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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