saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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