I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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