I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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