i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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