so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
