I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
