I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
