So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
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What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
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She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.