The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
