I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
