gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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