dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
