I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
