turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
