I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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