Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
