My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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