This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize