shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
