I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
