I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
