Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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