Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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