3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
