i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
