oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
