It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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