He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
