I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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