dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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