I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
