THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
