This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
