I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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