I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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