So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
