My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
