Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
