you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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