I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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