new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
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i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
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Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.