I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
