I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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