i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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