I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
