My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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