oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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