Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
