I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
