why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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