just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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