took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
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I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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