Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
is that a dick in a sweater?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
