I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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