dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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