Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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